


Maybe the child support was the husband we found along the way

by Moodstabalizer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, M/M, Snockhart, cat dad au, minerva/severus friendship, snockhart cat dad au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:40:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26019700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moodstabalizer/pseuds/Moodstabalizer
Summary: based on a Tumblr post I made @snapextherapy about Snape's cat getting knocked up by Lockhart's cat, and the shenanigans that ensued.this entire thing is unbeta'd I'm so sorry
Relationships: Gilderoy Lockhart/Severus Snape
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	Maybe the child support was the husband we found along the way

No one is quite sure how the street of Spinner’s end only has one stay cat. Two streets over, Red Pine has three gangs of stray cats, who you can hear fighting over territories all night. But the street of Spinner’s end is quiet at night. The one outdoor cat goes home at night to his owner, leaving the stray to wander.

The stray, who Severus Snape at number 12 Spinner’s end calls Minerva 2 (after his best friend and colleague, and whose glare is eerily similar to the cat’s), is a dark tabby missing a quarter of her left ear, and a patch of fur on her left flank. She’s a sweet cat, always rubbing up against anyone’s legs, begging for food. Most of the residents will oblige. 

One day in late winter, Severus hears scratching on his front door and the unmistakable sound of a very unhappy cat. Severus doesn’t know much about cats. He’s never owned a pet in his life. But Minerva 2 needs help, so he lets her in. She runs into the living room and worms her way under the couch. It takes Severus 20 minutes to lure her out with a can of tuna. An hour later, Minerva is perched on Severus’ lap, purring. Severus wonders what his life has come to. 

In the morning, he lets Minerva 2 out to roam again, guessing that her returning was something that wasn’t going to happen. He was very, very wrong.

Two months later, he caves and buys a litter box, cat food (both wet and dry, the store associate was not very helpful), and a plethora of cat toys. His neighbors think that it’s hilarious. The tall broody man that never speaks to his neighbors, and never comes to the street Christmas party or barbecue nights adopted the stray cat. Severus doesn’t get what they’re laughing about. He didn’t adopt Minerva 2, he just houses her at night and feeds her every day.

…

Oh fuck he adopted a cat.

Minerva (the human) laughs in his face the next day when Severus goes to complain at her. 

“Severus, last time I went over to yours for a drink, she was sitting on your lap. You FED her part of your dinner. You’re just now figuring out that she’s your cat?”

“Well, maybe she doesn’t like labels, Minerva, did you ever think about that? She’s her own animal, and she probably doesn’t want to be known as my cat.”

“Severus, do you remember when I went to get groceries with you, and when we were taking the bags out of your car she ran up to you, meowing to be pet? She thinks of herself as your cat, I can promise you.”

So Severus resigns himself to the life of a cat dad. 

He tries to make Minerva an indoor cat, because “what if you get hit by a CAR Minerva, it’s safer inside” Minerva does not like this at all. Minerva stays an outdoor cat, and Severus will never tell anyone that he lost an argument to a cat.

A few months go by, and Severus starts to notice Minerva getting a little round. Then a LOT round. Now Severus still knows next to nothing about animals. He just thinks that Minerva is still getting fed by some of the neighbors. This theory is shattered on a Saturday when Severus hears tiny mewling coming from his bedroom. Minerva gave birth to three small balls of fur on his very nice bedspread. It takes Severus three and a half minutes to process what just happened, freak out about it, and call Minerva (the human).

“How did you not know she was pregnant?!”

“I’ve literally never owned a pet before, isn’t there something cats have that make sure they don't get pregnant?”

“Yes, if you neuter a cat, they can’t have babies, but you didn't take her to the vet”

“oh.”

Severus promises himself that he won’t get attached to the kittens.

He gets attached to the kittens.

A week later, he gives them their names. Albus is the black one, Hagrid is the runt of the litter, and Poppy is the spotted one (Severus is not very creative with names, and names them after the colleagues of his that he can actually stand.)

A month later, Severus sees the only other outdoor cat on his street and decides to have a Talk with him about what he’s done. 

“You know young man, you knocked up my cat. You’re a dad now. 3 kittens. Where’s the child support, sir?” (The last bit is a joke, obviously, cats don’t have any money)

  
  


3 houses down, Gilderoy Lockhart comes out on his porch to call his outdoor cat for dinner. He sees his very attractive neighbor (who he does NOT have a little bit of a crush on, no sir) talking to his cat. 

Why is his neighbor talking to his cat?

So he goes and asks attractive-neighbor-from-3-houses-down why exactly he is talking to his cat, Gilderoy 2 (yes, he named his cat after himself.) And so Severus (that’s his name? Its a very nice name) explains that his cat knocked up the used-to-be-a-stray-cat-but-now-is-just-an-outdoor-cat-because-Severus-adopted-her, and now Severus has 3 kittens that he is NOT getting rid of, even though he knows nothing about cats, and doesn’t have time to take them to the vet or figure out what they need, but he is already VERY attached to them and is willing to learn what they need. (At this point, Severus is rambling, because hello! Gilderoy is very pretty)

Gilderoy (the human) has already decided to be a caring grandfather to the kittens and offers to take all of the cats to the vet at the end of the month to get them neutered. Severus is hesitant to accept but eventually does, mostly because he would very much like to see Gilderoy again.

So once a week Gilderoy will bring a bag of cat treats and a plate of (store-bought) cookies to Severus’ house. If he’s home, Gilderoy and Severus will make small talk while playing with the kittens. If Severus isn’t home, Gilderoy will leave both on his doorstep, with the words CHILD SUPPORT written on the bag of cat treats.

One of those times, Minerva (the human) accompanies Severus home and sees the bag. She thinks it’s funny how flustered Severus gets when he sees the bag

A month later, Gilderoy (the human) shows up on Severus’ doorstep with a cat carrier and says that he’s taking Minerva, Gilderoy 2 and the kittens to get checked up, chipped, and spayed. 

Its a difficulty to get all five cats in the carrier, but they eventually manage, with minimal bleeding. But there is still some bleeding. Severus goes to his bathroom and comes back with a small tube of Neosporin and a bandaid for a particularly nasty cut on Gilderoy’s right arm. (Severus puts the cream and bandaid on Gilderoy himself, while not making eye contact and blushing loads.)

After the vet visit is done, Gilderoy drops off Minerva 2 and the kittens. Minerva2 is p i s s e d 

And Gilderoy says “yeah she was not happy about getting neutered”

“Honestly, I wouldn’t be happy either.”

Gilderoy (the human) and Severus keep talking for a few hours, procrastinating Gilderoy’s exit.

A lull in the conversation brings Gilderoy to blurt out “ Do you want to have cat playdates?”  _ shit why did I say that _

Severus is just staring at him, so Gilderoy opens his mouth again, and lets words stream out. “Like, both of our cats are neutered now, and Gilderoy 2 IS the father, so shouldn’t he be able to spend some time with his kids?” (yes, it IS a ploy to spend more time with Severus)

Severus agrees (because FUCk yeah, spending more time with Gilderoy!)

Every Sunday, Gilderoy (the human) brings over Gilderoy to see his kids, while Severus and he have tea while they watch the cats play with each other.

Two months later, Severus asks Gilderoy out. Their first date is to see a reshowing of Aristocrats at the local theater.

Six months after that, Gilderoy and Gilderoy 2 move in with Severus Minerva 2 and the kittens.

A year later, Gilderoy proposes at home.

On the kitten’s 3rd birthday, they get married. Minerva (the human) is Severus’ best (wo)man, and Minerva 2 is the ring bearer. The kittens are the flower girls, and Gilderoy 2 sits next to Albus (the human) and turns down a lemon drop.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhh hope that wasn't too bad (also this is the FIRST ever bit of fictional writing I've ever done, so)
> 
> heres the post
> 
> https://snapextherapy.tumblr.com/post/627006474961436672/imagine-your-otp-snockhart-au-severus-adopts-the
> 
> (I've tried 5 times to add the link, but it isn't working, so just copy and paste it, honestly.)
> 
> come yell at me on tumblr @snapextherapy and @arson-yeehaw


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